Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Overheard at ITLS

I took this excellent course last weekend, after a feverish three days of reading as much of the textbook as I could in 72 hours while still sleeping and giving a full time job due diligence. It was a great weekend, having practical time alongside Paramedics and RNs as well as EMTs from other stations was an excellent opportunity to sharpen skills, learn new things, and share what works with people from other departments. Even through I didn’t ‘get a weekend’ rest-wise, I came back Monday morning with my Patient Care batteries recharged. Hearing one of my former EMT instructors say how proud she was of her ‘graduated students’ reminded me what I like about doing this ‘free job’ I’ve got.

As usual, there were occasions for a few laughs.

During a lecture on ‘Patients Under the Influence’ our instructor told us a lot of things about what is going on in schools that convince me that I made the right decision limiting my children to the four legged, fur bearing variety. Apparently the ‘new and improved kegstand’ involves inverting oneself while beer is inserted into the anus. It would seem the alcohol crosses into the bloodstream faster and one can get drunk more quickly on less beer. Good grief, people. I feel like I’m taking a walk on the wild side when I eat a sleeve of Sprees and drink a Pepsi. Many questions spring to mind, as well, including but not limited to:

What about the carbonation?
Is there a separate keg for people who want their beer the old fashioned way?
Is there a surefire way to differentiate same that doesn’t involve sniffing the tap?
If you can actually stand on your hands and let someone do that without falling over (or, even more compelling, do it YOURSELF) is there a better outlet for your talents that might be in some way financially lucrative? Oughtn’t you check this out?

We’re all shooting the breeze during lunch on day 3 of class, discussing other training opportunities. A student (who is frequently an instructor) was telling us about Wilderness EMS, and I said we should have that this summer. I volunteered to be the ‘S’Mores Officer’ for the weekend.

(I realize the last couple of anecdotes seem unrelated. Bear with me.)

Said student went on to say that when he took Wilderness EMS the ‘patient’ he had to ‘keep alive’ in his scenario was hypoglycemic and unconscious, and that they had considered ‘putting chocolate up his butt’ as a possible solution.

There was a moment of silence while this was considered. Then I said,
"I guess that would be like a ‘S’mores Stand’. Though I don’t recommend using the graham crackers." (general laughter)


Oh, and I passed. Not as high a grade as I’d like but I’m obsessive about such things. So if you wreck in the 'Boro on a Wednesday night, if you'd keep your injuries around a B+, I'd appreciate it.


Tricia said...

OMG! I am dying at beer in the rectum? EWWW - but I guess that would solve the problem of not liking the taste of beer?

And all your questions seem valid - does everyone get a beer enema? Or are some people drinking that stuff? And how long do you have to hold the beer up your ass before you can let it all out? Imagining lots of wet pants or lots of naked people?

I think I'll stick to the old fashioned way of getting plastered fast - tequila shots! ;-)

Suzy said...

What a bunch of assholes, huh?

Jonny's Mommy said...'t know what to say. I'm so disturbed right now. So deeply disturbed to even know that this happens. I just found out the other day kids are snorting this?!

Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

Great. One more thing for me to worry about. I just learned from Teen the other day that you don't have to smoke marijuana--there's some new way of using a vaporizer.

In my day, we didn't have to smoke it either. It's called brownies.

Anyway, glad you passed.

HeatherPride said...

Awesome post! I totally died at the anal beer stand!! OMG. I'll try to be sure not to have any A+ injuries around ya. ;)

HeatherPride said...

Oh, and what was the consensus about the chocolate up the butt? Would that work? I think I should know since I'm a first responder here at work and if I ever need to bust that trick out of my repertoire, I should be prepared for the possible lawsuit that could follow...

Shieldmaiden96 said...

Tricia-- Yes, I too came away with that with more questions than answers, and a certain satisfaction in being 15 years this side of college graduation. I don't think I could keep up these days.

Suzy-- Yes, but they are effervescent, no?

JM-- Smarties? For why? Do you get that 'I just ingested cheap Halloween candy' feeling that much faster? What's next, crack made of crushed Necco wafers?

Meg-- You were the cool adult we needed back in the day when we were trying to figure out whether Duncan Hines would 1) work or 2) waste it.

HP-- Unless you are a fire warden somewhere in the middle of the woods I can't imagine you'd ever have call for alternate glucose delivery. I hope. I imagine the only office first responders that make anyone drop trou come to a retirement party with a patent leather costume and a radio.

Jocelyn said...

Clearly, it's people who are still at the stage of life of drinking crap beer who would waste the beverage on their buttholes.

The high-quality stuff I like to drink only belongs in one (or two) of my orifices.